This past weeks lectures have been on Lordship: knowing the fear of God. What a week it has been! TO finish off the week, we spent 15 hours in a time of worship. At first I was afraid it was going to be a grueling 15 hours, but quite the opposite! I dont know why I would ever think that... I can easily spend that time with Becky - so how much more so would I want to spend that time with my best friend Jesus?
We started by praise and then moved into a time of the most interesting worship I had ever been blessed to experience. Going into that night, I had no idea I would be tap dancing in a blue dress to worship my God. But what a great way to get to dance before my Father as His beautiful princess! After that, it was a time of surrender. Surrendering the things we held onto and laying them at the foot of the cross. We brought in items to represent those things that we wanted to surrender and literally laid them at the foot of the cross and spoke out for everyone to hear of what we were laying down. I laid down my family; releasing any responsibility that I felt for them and their well being and picked up faith that God loves them way more than I ever could and is taking care of them. I also laid down my passport. I have always told God to send me anywhere and I will go, but I needed to lay that down and if He calls me to stay and be a missionary in America - I will do it. I laid down the beautiful oragamy bouquet that my boyfriend made me for my birthday. Our relationship is something I lay down every day, but I wanted to do a physical act of that and in front of people. In laying down our relationship; I laid him down, my right to be married, and my future. The next thing was one of the hardest. My bear, Jeffrey, that my best friend had gotten me represented the relationships I hold so dear to my heart. It also represented my comfort. God asked me to not only lay this down, but to give it away to a girl who had let go of so much that night. I am a little embarrassed to admit just how hard it was to do that and sleeping without him will take some time getting used too. The last thing I surrendered was my control. My control of my dreams, identity, and everything else I tried to control. So I cut off my hair with a pair of kid scissors... Even as I was doing this I was trying to control how much I was cutting off. But the Holy Spirit kind of took over at that moment and I lost complete control of the scissors. My hair is currently very short and VERY uneven.At the time of doing this, I did not realize everything I was doing. I felt stripped bare and completely vulnerable to everyone around me and especially God. This was a mutual feelings among my fellow students and staff, but I had to wear mine. A constant reminder of the sweet surrender that opened me up in front of God and everyone. I have become a master at not showing people whats really going on underneath - in turn; I have consistently tried to do the same with God. Walking around with my little stump pony tail reminds me of the nightmares you would used to have of being in the school cafeteria naked. I hoped that after I did it, total peace and freedom would come over me.... but it is going to be a bit more of a process than that. So much came off with those 6 inches of hair... not only my control, what my idea of beauty way, my individuality (since everyone says I look like my big sister who has short hair and I wanted to be different), all the times I had set my goal before Gods, and my striving. But I know that my God is faithful and He will use this constant reminder to teach me what it means to be open and vulnerable in front of Him.
So Daddy, it is all yours - every bit of it! I want you to have it all; every step I take, every breath I take, every relationship I make. If You arent the center or purpose of it - I dont want it. I am completely yours Father! Speak for Your servant is listening. SPEAK for Your servant is willing. SPEAK for Your servant is ready! Daddy, all I want is You. You are my hope, You are my smile, You are my desire. I will lay it all on the alter, every day, before You because You are all that I need. In your faithful name Jesus, Amen!
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